"Overcoming my own Mind"
I remember when I couldn’t drive, I remember when I couldn’t work, I remember when I couldn’t sleep by myself because I was afraid, I remember when I couldn’t get out of the bed, I remember having panic attacks from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep. Anxiety and depression took over and consumed every aspect of life, I didn’t shower for weeks because I was so pre-occupied with fear and panic!
I’ll never forget the day I went to the emergency room because I was having a panic attack. I’m sure you know that story all too well. A friend of mine came to visit me in the hospital. When he leaned over to give me hug, he whispered in my ear “Kelle, when was the last time you showered” With extreme embarrassment, I looked at him and said..”OMG now that you’ve said that, I just realized it has been weeks.” At that moment I realized what was happening to me, my anxiety and depression had taken over and grabbed me yet again. I had totally neglected my self-image and my self-care! I could not wait to leave the hospital to go home and shower. After getting my discharge papers (that once again said, PANIC DISORDER; ANXIETY EPISODE) I hurried passed the other patient rooms through the waiting room to my car. I was on a mission to get home to the shower.
When I finally got home, I started taking off my clothes to prepare for my shower. I was looking in the mirror with tears falling down my face. When I took my shirt off, I looked down at my arms and I saw so many black marks on both of my arms. At first, I didn’t know what it was, but I quickly realized it was the black dye from having my black shirt on for weeks. The dye from the shirt actually went into my skin. I got in the shower, and I just let the water fall on me. As I scrubbed my arms and watched that black dye goes down the drain is the very moment I decided to FIGHT. I decided to tap into my strength instead of my fear, I decided to heal instead of hurt, I decided to LIVE instead of DIE! I decided to go to therapy instead back and forth to the ER.
After getting back in therapy, I re-started my anti-depressant meds, journaled multiple times a day, read several victory stories on ADAA's website and started to change my diet and exercise. I wanted to not just feel better, but I wanted to look better too, I deserve both! I promised myself that when I heal, I would advocate for others so they can heal as well. I learned that the world around you changes when you heal yourself first! Now I see the purpose in all of my pain. I fought my way here for me and you. I’m so proud of myself and I am proud of you too for not giving up. If you are reading this and are struggling with anxiety, depression, postpartum, trauma, bipolar, OCD or anything else, please know and BELIEVE that healing is possible, and you deserve to heal! You have to FIGHT! Fighting could be getting into therapy, finding a support group, continuing to read victory stories like this and so many other things. Help and healing is not just for me, it is for you too!
Your dreams and goals are still relevant, and you can still achieve them in spite of any diagnosis. It is not too late! I believe in you!
- Kellene
